A fine balance

I am sure you, like me, have been taking your family for granted all these years. I realised this a few days back, when the CAT results were announced. I was competing with my sister for a seat in one of the 6 IIMs for pursuing a management degree. This too, when I knew beforehand that I can easily nail the CAT whereas for her, it was not going to be a cakewalk. This, when I already knew that I will, under no circumstances, accept an admission offer, whereas for her, something like this would be living her dream. No wonder then that now that I have belled the CAT and she just missed out, I feel guilty as hell.

I have been thinking ever since if I was right in knowingly competing with her, whether this competition was justified. Competing with one's own makes no sense now, does it? There is no such thing as friendly competition, if you ask me. I find that to be as ridiculous as wars fought to uphold peace. Isn't a family supposed to be a tightly knit unit, linked together by blood ties, and sticking together come what may? But I can't help it now, can I? There are no provisions in our society for brothers and sisters competing together as a pair.

What about friends then? Are we justified in competing with our friends? There were also plenty of my friends who couldn't make it happen in the CAT this year. I feel bad for them too. But then, I was always aware that such a day will surely come. It wasn't unlikely according to me. Should I feel guilty about competing with them as well? Are they like family to me? Life in IIT teaches you that teamwork is the most important thing in your life. Companionship is the most essential element in any endeavour. Why this farce focus on individual excellence then? Let me hold on to that thought for another post. Here, I shall focus on the fine balance in my life between my family and my friends.

Who exactly are friends? My four years at IIT have brought out the difference between friends and mere acquaintances as never before. I have met people who are good to hang around with, but who suck at sharing my experience of this life, as a friend should. I have met people, for whom friendship translated to a 'business deal' - a mere give and take and 'i scratch your back, you scratch mine' relationship. I have come across those, who look upon friends as mere objects to vent their anger and frustration, who take delight in arguing with me, who I feel take pleasure in opposing all my points of view, and when I complain, those who claim that such behaviour is common between the best of friends, and that I am over reacting to all this and so on. And then I have met some wonderful people, who have gone on to become good, and some the best of my friends.

However close my friends be to me though, they shall never take the place in my life, that spot in my heart, which is reserved for my family. These are people who have loved me, endured me, accepted me for all my life. They never complained about my shortcomings, nor did they exploit my merits. They have truly respected and loved me as a person, as what I truly am. Although they have at times complained and hinted that certain aspects of my person are unacceptable to them, and that I should try and reconcile accordingly, they have never shown disapproval whenever I didn't comply. Sad though it may seem, none of the other people I have met in my life have been so understanding, not even the best of my friends. I have never met a single other person in my whole life, who even comes close.

For the last few days, I have been getting this feeling that perhaps it is something that I lack, that prevents me from making really good friends. I have never had best friends lasting for more than a couple of years, at best. Over time, it seems everyone that I meet fails to meet my expectations for whom I can call my best pal - perhaps my expectations may be too high, or perhaps I am yet to meet the right people. Till then, it remains up to me to maintain this fine balance in my life - this balance between family and friends.