Me: That's quite a personality that you have Sam.
Sam: Thanks man.
If you are not yet surrounded by idiots, you soon will. They are everywhere, taking over mankind without the slightest hint of such an invasion. If the above mentioned way to tackle them fails to keep them away, I can suggest you three options to deal with them:
1. Kill them.
2. Accept them as they are and respect them for the way they are.
3. Use them.
Option 1 is not a realistic prospect, considering that killing one idiot will provoke hundred others. Option 2 again is absurd, simply because that guy is an idiot and you aren't. Option 3 looks the best if you ask me. Use idiots for your own gain. That is what they are born for. It's like this cow from the restaurant at the end of the universe in the 'Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' - it says it's made to be eaten. Same goes with our personalities; their very nature begs us to use them. To do this though, you have to predict the behaviour of these idiots, which is difficult, considering the fact that an average idiot cannot predict his own behaviour. For one, you can try hurting the idiots' ego into working for you.
Sam: Hey you were supposed to complete this project long back. Are you ever going to get done with this?
Me: Look I am trying ok.
Sam: I have to face troubles coz of you, you know.
Me: That is quite unbecoming of your personality Sam.
Sam: (pause) I am sorry man. I don't know what came over me. Don't you worry, I'll do it myself.
Most idiots are also god fearing. You can exploit that weakness too to harness it for your own good.
Me: Sam, where are you off to?
Sam: To do your girlfriend. She invited me over.
Me: You can't do that Sam.
Sam: Says who?
Me: Says God. You will burn in hell if you do that.
Sam: Oh thanks man. I never knew. Now that was close. Hey, what if I kill you first?
Me: (pause) Sorry, that isn't any good either.
The most irritating idiots aren't the ones you meet in person. They are the ones who call you on your phone and hold you up from doing your important work for hours talking non sense. If you hang up, their ego is hurt and they may get provoked, which is not what you want. It is best to use an answering machine on your phone with a recorded message that goes like this:
Idiot answering machine: Hello. Before speaking to Tallur, please let me know if this phone call is going to benefit him in any way whatsoever.
Sam: Uh.. umm... yes, I guess so.
Idiot answering machine: Lying son of a gun! (click)
The phone can also be used to insult idiots without provoking them. Go into a room with a cellphone held up to your ear.
Me: You are the most stupid duffer I have ever known.
Sam: Excuse me, what was that? (angry)
Me: Sshhh... I am on the phone. Can't you see?
Sam: Oh, sorry.
Well, I believe I have told you some things that you need to know about idiots. Let me tell you this: you can identify an idiot by the symptoms of stupidity. Watch out for these and you will be easily able to predict whether the person you are thinking about is an idiot or not. Some of them are quite easy to notice:
- Idiots like growing ear hair.
- Idiots will vote a cucumber for President, saying that it was time for a change.
- Idiots will make stupid decisions and call them investments.