Sunday, July 22, 2007

Staying ahead of idiots

Frankly speaking, there are two types of people in this world - smart people like us, and tens of billions of idiots who get in our way often. Idiots are difficult to handle, especially those who consider themselves to be smart like us. For now, let's stick to calling their stupidity as 'personality'. This has its own good reasons. For one, you can get away with an idiot easily without provoking him.

Me: That's quite a personality that you have Sam.
Sam: Thanks man.

If you are not yet surrounded by idiots, you soon will. They are everywhere, taking over mankind without the slightest hint of such an invasion. If the above mentioned way to tackle them fails to keep them away, I can suggest you three options to deal with them:

1. Kill them.
2. Accept them as they are and respect them for the way they are.
3. Use them.

Option 1 is not a realistic prospect, considering that killing one idiot will provoke hundred others. Option 2 again is absurd, simply because that guy is an idiot and you aren't. Option 3 looks the best if you ask me. Use idiots for your own gain. That is what they are born for. It's like this cow from the restaurant at the end of the universe in the 'Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' - it says it's made to be eaten. Same goes with our personalities; their very nature begs us to use them. To do this though, you have to predict the behaviour of these idiots, which is difficult, considering the fact that an average idiot cannot predict his own behaviour. For one, you can try hurting the idiots' ego into working for you.

Sam: Hey you were supposed to complete this project long back. Are you ever going to get done with this?
Me: Look I am trying ok.
Sam: I have to face troubles coz of you, you know.
Me: That is quite unbecoming of your personality Sam.
Sam: (pause) I am sorry man. I don't know what came over me. Don't you worry, I'll do it myself.

Most idiots are also god fearing. You can exploit that weakness too to harness it for your own good.

Me: Sam, where are you off to?
Sam: To do your girlfriend. She invited me over.
Me: You can't do that Sam.
Sam: Says who?
Me: Says God. You will burn in hell if you do that.
Sam: Oh thanks man. I never knew. Now that was close. Hey, what if I kill you first?
Me: (pause) Sorry, that isn't any good either.
Sam: Shit.

The most irritating idiots aren't the ones you meet in person. They are the ones who call you on your phone and hold you up from doing your important work for hours talking non sense. If you hang up, their ego is hurt and they may get provoked, which is not what you want. It is best to use an answering machine on your phone with a recorded message that goes like this:

Idiot answering machine: Hello. Before speaking to Tallur, please let me know if this phone call is going to benefit him in any way whatsoever.
Sam: Uh.. umm... yes, I guess so.
Idiot answering machine: Lying son of a gun! (click)

The phone can also be used to insult idiots without provoking them. Go into a room with a cellphone held up to your ear.

Me: You are the most stupid duffer I have ever known.
Sam: Excuse me, what was that? (angry)
Me: Sshhh... I am on the phone. Can't you see?
Sam: Oh, sorry.

Well, I believe I have told you some things that you need to know about idiots. Let me tell you this: you can identify an idiot by the symptoms of stupidity. Watch out for these and you will be easily able to predict whether the person you are thinking about is an idiot or not. Some of them are quite easy to notice:
  • Idiots like growing ear hair.
  • Idiots will vote a cucumber for President, saying that it was time for a change.
  • Idiots will make stupid decisions and call them investments.
No matter how much you try to change idiots, always realise that you can never strip them off their stupidity and selfishness. You may be wondering why I am letting out my secrets about idiots, won't some idiots be provoked by this. Well, I don't care. No matter how much you try, I shall always be two steps ahead of you.

9 comments:

ShivAnantTayal said...

@tallur
Haha .. :P goodone tallur...!!

@others:
if i had told him the truth that i came to this blog because of the curiosity that came over me when i saw the link in my messenger window and i ended up blowing 10 more minutes of my already lukha time....hmm..well i dont know what would have happened..but he sure wont have taken it kindly..
so i tell tallur that i like his post.
this my dear friends is a practical application of the second law '2. Accept them as they are and respect them for the way they are.'

Tallur said...

Haha... good one Shiv!

ShivAnantTayal said...

Oye...dont try that with me..

;)

Tallur said...

:P

abhimanyu said...

Sam : Was this written keeping Bhandari in mind?
Bhandari : How dare you Tallur! Now I'll also write something derogatory about you, Tallur.
Sam : But what will you write? Tallur's not an idiot!
Bhandari : Oh ya. Well, then I'll write something bad about smart people

Tallur said...

Haha... nice one Rawal... now I have to show this post to Bhandari! (especially the comments :P)

Bastet said...

lol !! Scott Admas has influenced u a lot!! Very evident in style of writing :D Anyway,. nice post you have there, Sam :D You might be well killed once you return here.. people might decide to implement your rule 1 :D

@ others
Idiots never accept that they are idiots. They always assume themselves to be smart. :D The real smart ones never go around digging their own graves like Sam here :D So, that is another way of recognising isiots - look for the ones who go proclaiming themselves to be smart, so that they can convince both themselves and others abt the veracity of tht statement! :D

Tallur said...

Hmm.. touched by God!

shivani said...

hmm... funny and at the same time very much true :P
especially cosidering the ppl i m meeting in my life right now.. :P
awaiting more of such posts... :)