Oba-man!

"... Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

"Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America," he said on the T.V.

"Change is here!" cried my sister in the background.

"Where change?" I asked.

This was how things were on January 20th this year, when I had slightly less than little clue of who Obama was. As is typical of us management consultants, I found out more about him only after the big thing happened - his inauguration, that too thanks to Google (again something characteristic of our kind). Reading about his life, both on the internet, and in the countless number of books that came up on the market as soon as he made President, I found enlightenment and decided I had to do something for him, as a mark of respect for his teachings.

So this is what I did.

Again in keeping with management consulting tradition, I needed a model to go alongwith my task. So I bought a 3 ft high statue of superman, painted it black and installed it near the main entrance to my apartment. I named it 'Our Oba-man of Hope' (to give it that saintly touch). I spread the word that this idol brings hope to the hopeless those who seek hope and shows one the path towards change. This idol went on to become a hit with the hopeless... many, but there were some who asked me the story behind it. Since I didn't have a story and needed one soon, I did what people in my profession do all the time. I made up one.

I told all visitors that our Oba-man is a shrine, who takes away our bad loans, creates more jobs, and puts in more money to save an economy that doesn't understand how to handle money. I told people to come to the shrine penniless and pray to the man for succour. And as happens with most made-up stories, mine went on to become a big hit! (ref. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, the Bible etc.) People believed in the story and brought flowers for the statue and decorated it with pictures of The Man, as they now lovingly referred to 'Their Oba-man of Hope'. To add to the effect, I told people that the man always resided inside the statue in spirit, and can see within you to see if you really seek hope and change. That way I managed to fend off allegations against the credibility of my claims.

My effort finally discovered recognition through the sole medium that supports such useless noble causes - The Mumbai Mirror. Some good-for-nothing writer wrote a piece on Our Oba-man that was read by thousands of bored got-nothing-better-to-read/do readers and my mailbox was flooded with hundreds and thousands of requests from all over Mumbai asking where the shrine at is and how should one get there.

To make my endeavour seem more mysterious, I used to light lamps around the statue at night and hired some dancers to fake possession and dance around, especially on days when we had a good crowd. I even put up a donation box near the statue, inscribed with the message 'All proceeds go to the O.B.A.M - A.I.M foundation, which strives towards achieving Oba-man's main aim' (Though I never told anyone that it actually stands for 'Oh Boy! All this Money! And It's Mine!')

I finally wrote to Obama about this story one day, and asked him to come bless the statue, which would have brought in even more devotees (I even offered him a part of the O.B.A.M - A.I.M proceeds). But he said he was too busy pushing deals for putting even more money in the hands of incapable persons, and could not find the time to do so. The Mumbai Mirror writer referred to earlier got a wind of this and wrote another feature enlightening his readers with the fact that the Oba-man statue is unauthorised and that it doesn't have the blessings of The Man. This led to the dwindling of crowds first, and my alternate source of revenue thereafter.

Although the Oba-man idea may have failed, the black superman statue still stands tall near our apartment entrance, attesting the belief that we management consultants share - "I can always sell my idea. I only need a few fools to buy it."

Extinction of the pencils

Mumbai, Feb. 2nd

With all the hoopla over global warming, efforts are now on to help the environment. People are (assumed to be) doing all they can to reduce the harm that they are causing to nature. Although I had heard this from my grandmother long ago, it seems that only recently have scientists been able to prove that deforestation is contributing to global warming. Efforts are on to stop the irresponsible cutting down of trees. This, many scientists claim, will slow down global warming and thus avoid extinction of several species. Ironically though, the fall out of this step is the extinction of an entity dear to each one of us, sometime or the other in our lifetime - the pencil.

Until a decade ago, there were two main varieties of pencils - colour pencils and the boring ones. Only the boring ones now survive. Colour pencils lost out in the race for survival to fitter competitors such as markers and felt tip pens and the last confirmed account of a colour pencil sighting was in 1995 in 'Manibhai Steshanari - SSC books is on diskont' beside the Municipality school in my locality. Sparse sightings of colour pencils have been reported later on, but none are yet confirmed.

The boring pencils (those ones that are white outside, but black within - a fact that has also led some civilisations to name these pencils as 'politician pencils' or as the scientific name goes pencilus cheaterous) are facing tough competition from the digital revolution. Schools and offices are going digital, thus inevitably leading to wiping out of pencils in their boundaries. Other traditional habitats for pencils are now being overtaken by pens, xboxes and playstations.

To get an idea of what the world's reaction is to this calamity, I undertook a series of interviews, asking my audience what they think about this decline of pencils. A one and a half year old kid (who did not know his name) responded with a "Da da.... ga!" thus highlighting the seriousness of this issue. A six year old's mother responded "Good only no... now my beti use pen! I not uses pen in ischool. We usering chalk." These same thoughts were echoed by a teenager who was in a hurry and didn't say much - "Wtf?". Overall, all respondents agreed with one fact in particular - the world is more concerned with the paltry problem of global warming over the dire consequences of the mass extinction of pencils.

By now we all know that we live in an interconnected world and the extinction of pencils will have far reaching consequences. One species that would be directly affected is the pencils' main predator - the pencil sharpener. Sharpeners have already gone extinct in areas where pencils no longer exist and they are not expected to survive long after the last pencil is sharpened and worn out. The eraser won't be spared either. The pink coloured parasite that attaches itself to the top of each pencil won't find a host once all pencils are wiped out. This is expected to add to the boredom of school life which currently claims eraser chewing to be a major pastime activity.

Awareness of the dangers of pencil extinction are now growing and scientists are trying to invent some new theories (read, lies) to justify deforestation. One such claim has been made by a group working in a local college in Mumbai that says that replacing forests with grasslands will help reduce global warming, as the lighter coloured grass blades will reflect more light into space than do the dark green leaves of trees. This, they say, will cause lesser heating of the atmosphere than what is currently observed. In a recent experiment, the group (details witheld due to confidentiality issues) also demonstrated a large white colour plastic sheet reflects even more sunlight than do grass blades, thus setting in motion events that could lead to all forests on earth being replaced by white plastic sheets. When asked whether they have done no more than proving the already well established facts about light and heat, the scientists dismissed the meeting and invited me to a party in the adjacent room with free booze and Himeshbhai songs. I don't recall what happened next.

Back from Hiatus - with a dream

I know I had announced that I won't be blogging here anymore. But that was a long time ago, and things have changed a lot since then. That was not such a long time ago, but things have changed more than ever since then too, and I am now left with too much time on hand to avoid blogging. So, here I am. Bear me if you can.

--

If there's one question you shouldn't ask me, it is, "So what do you want to become when you grow up?" (or the interview version of it - "Where do you see yourself x years down the line?") Back when I was a kid, I would've responded with a "Doctor!" (or "Engineer!" depending on whether I was with my mom or dad - yes, I learnt diplomacy at a rather young age). About 5 years back, my answers would have narrowed down to a mere "Engineer!", but suddenly they widened as I coursed through IIT and eventually I ended up as a management consultant (part of the reason why I never voiced this option when I was a kid was that this had altogether too many letters for my liking back then). Anyway, now if this same question is posed to me, don't be surprised to hear me answer "President!"

Oh and before you get me wrong there, let me make it clear. I am interested in becoming the President of the USA. Of late, citizenship issues have been confounding me a lot - I live in a city that I was born in, but of late some residents of which have been marking my people as 'immigrants' (purely because I speak a different language at home; the fact that I speak their language better than even they do doesn't seem to matter). I felt it best to leverage my new-found identity confusion to target the post of international head of oil and natural gas supply, international head of arms, international war coordinator the President of USA. (head of economic incompetency bailout fund)

Why, with an African-American making it to that post now, my ambition still has some hope. And although I lack plenty of credentials that the job requires (yet), the most fundamental, according to me is the '-American' part of it, at least to get me elected if for nothing else. So as of now, even George Bush's dog stands a better chance of making it there than me. Not till long ago, I used to feel that maybe a person not born in USA is not eligible to become president, as per their constitution. But now I have realised that their government doesn't really care about the constitution anymore. And anyway if I don't get elected, I can always approach the supreme court for getting me appointed President (ref. Bush in 2000). If they deny my application, I can sue them for racial discrimination. Next stop, White House.

I am sure this dream of mine is going to set in motion a movement that will lead to people of all possible nationalities and impossible credentials vying to be president. The USA better be prepared for a tidal wave of such applications, albeit not like the one that left hundreds of thousands dead in Indonesia, Thailand etc. a couple of years ago, rending this analogy not only non-funny but also tasteless. Besides, it wasn't even technically correct, with the correct term being 'tsunami' and not a mere 'tidal wave'. What does this have to do with what I wrote above? Nothing at all, but my post was falling short of my target post length by a paragraph and I had to do something about it.

Adios.

Motivation?

(This from my old blog)

What we have been told is a motivating gesture may be flak after all. A well put up disguise to mislead us poor souls into believing something unintuitive to be something implying a greater deeper meaning, that never seems to surface up and after trying a few times, you sort of accept the crowd's take on the issue. Here are some insights that may raise a few eyebrows:

1. Birds always prefer flying in a group. Its a fact that the draft of one bird's movement aids that of the other. But is that really so? To me, this is a perfect example of the fact that even in nature, teamwork leads to collective laziness.

2. Consistency is a virtue say wise men. Well, it only is so if you aren't a complete loser and to top it, amazingly consistent too.

3. We are always told to 'spread out our wings and dream of flying to reach greater heights'. True; coz if you try landing, that can only be in the real world.

4. Early bird gets the worm. Don't let the worms know about this.

5. We are told there always is room at the top. But it isn't a great feeling looking down from that lonely place. What's more fun is to look down upon others standing down here.

6. All know it takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile. But no one tells you keeping that dumb look going needs nothing at all.

7. A small raindrop is instrumental in making up the ocean. But come floods and no drop wants to share the blame.

8. None of us is as dumb as all of us.

9. Every dark cloud has a silver lightning. Try to hunt that lightning and it strikes you dead.

10. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And it rocks as well too.

11. It hurts to admit your mistakes. When they are big, the pain usually is short lived.

12. We are told to try and try till we succeed. No one tells us that we should stop at a certain stage to avoid looking dumber.

13. Never interrupt someone working. It pays to stand away from a competitive jerk and his goals.

14. Team comes first. But there comes a stage where each member should make individual sacrifices.

15. We are told hardwork never killed anyone. Well, its just prolonging the inevitable.

16. If you feel you are lonely, then you are not alone. There are plenty of people just like you. But still, you are alone.

17. Hardwork pays in the future, laziness does in the present.

18. The road to perfection never ends. It's more like a death march.

Go ahead and share your views (only if they agree with mine that is).

Compelled to comment: 10 reasons why

Some reasons people give for explaining their urge to leave comments, even when not called for sometimes:

1. To show that you read such and such blog regularly.

2. So that the blogger would leave comments on your blog (and that you yourself value such comments highly).

3. To make a point to strike up a conversation with the blogger the next time you find him/her online.

4. To point out to the blogger that the post is incomplete and it is you who knows the missing parts.

5. To see if the blogger responds to comments or not.

6. You like logging in to blogger.com, and commenting is thus only a natural consequence.

7. The blog is full of negative posts. The comments are means to introduce some positivism in there.

8. Those who comment on a particular blog like arguing a lot, and you don't want to be left behind.

9. (Similar to 8) Those who comment on a particular blog have something for the blogger, and you don't want to be left behind. :)

10. To show the blogger that you understand a seemingly complicated post.

If you choose to comment on this post, please number your comment accordingly. Have I missed out the reason why YOU leave comments here?

EDIT
--
11. Because you know the blogger looks forward to reading comments since they assure him/her of regular or intermittent readership.

12. Because the blogger has not been recieving too many comments lately and reason #11 makes you pity her/him.

Arbit

This post is meant for someone whom I lovingly call arbit. If you are not arbit, please do not read this.

Dear arbit,

1. All IITians, like yours truly, are what I call 'socially challenged geniuses'.

2. To understand true love, one should understand true surrender first.

3. We are not as gifted as our lives may suggest unto others - we just happen to be lucky bastards I guess.

4. We should go with the ones for whom we are special, and not the ones who are special to us. It is easy to learn to love someone who loves us, but very difficult to teach someone to love us.

5. Live life by your biases; but don't deride the opinions of others.

6. I like bitching about people - I know they all bitch about me; good to maintain a status quo.

7. Some people are born to be exploited. Use them lest they start manipulating you.

8. Acknowledge that there are people smarter than you - else you shouldn't expect any respect from those dumber than you.

9. Some people are good friends. Some are meant to be tolerated. The others should be ignored. Never make any enemies.

10. Never say I deserve such-and-such-a-thing, only to make a fool out of yourself when you lose it. Snatch it first, and then say I deserved it all along.

11. Let recognition not be a goal. Treat it as a signal.

Senseless competition

I recently belled the CAT. Well, at least that's what my folks tell me. But did I actually do it? I don't recall a single minute spent towards preparing for this test, nor do I remember having solved a single question for practice. What then, should I attribute my 'roaring success' (as a friend puts it) to? Sheer luck? Inherent skills? High level of confidence?

I remember the 18th of November last year, the day of my CAT exam. I reached my centre quite early, and was chatting merrily with some old friends whom I met after quite a while. All the while though, I couldn't help noticing some students and their parents and other well wishers huddled together, discussing strategies to conquer the looming test. Most of these conquistadors came out weeping though, tears in their eyes, sad faces, some beautiful smiles lost amidst the 75 questions and the 2 and a half hours that make up the CAT. Some parents looked even more lost; as if the very ground they were standing on couldn't live up to the weight of their expectations. The results that came out 2 months later were no different. Some of these competitors of mine that I had seen there had done miserably, with no chance of getting into the IIMs this year.

As I have said before, neither do these scores matter to me, nor had I put in efforts to achieve this. There have been a few things that I have been thinking about for the last few days. One of them happens to be the competition that we see everywhere, well almost everywhere today. I have faced enough - during my school and college days, for getting into IIT, living through IIT, the recent placement season, the CAT and so on. Although I never faced serious setbacks, I have seen many deserving and enthusiastic aspirants lose out along the way. This May, I shall celebrate my 22nd birthday, and I cannot recall a single year in my life when I didn't have to compete with others. But does competition make sense?

Although I am not a big believer and fan of Darwin, one of his aphorisms is very dear to me - 'survival of the fittest'. This is something that has beaconed me towards success ever since I first came across this in my school days. Competition seems to be a natural order, quite logical actually, given the limited number of available resources, and the innumerable needs and desires of each one of us. Then what exactly do I mean when I address competition as senseless? Let me give you a scenario which would help me bring out my point better.

Consider 2 farmers, A and B, who have options of sowing either of crops C or D on their respective farmlands. Suppose seeds for C are in short supply, whereas those of D are available in plenty. Now let us suppose that C yields a high quality harvest, whereas the yield from D is pretty much average, similar to that obtained by other farmers. Now let us assume, that A and B, like most of us, have bloated egos, and only seek the best of the best. Naturally, both aim at crop C. This would drive the prices of C seeds even higher, and could result in A buying them, while B would have to be satisfied with D. Now, consider this - A had to pay a higher price for getting C seeds, whereas, although B would have got a good deal on D, he would nevertheless be unhappy at not having got C. Whom would you call the winner here?

Doesn't this hold true for the academic competition (I have not had much exposure to other competitions :P) that we see everywhere? Well, partly at least. Are all parties better off with the current scenario? I certainly believe that we can have a more fair and just system that would ensure that no one suffers as a result of competition. Competition is something that should motivate us to do better, to perform to our potential, to live up to our desires and expectations. It should egg us on to dream higher and think bigger and put in sustained and planned efforts to achieve all that. Only then can we call such competition as healthy. What we need is to educate people that certain exams/jobs/colleges/ranks/money/etc. isn't the end of the world. We need to be aware of all possible options on an average, and should try and co ordinate amongst ourselves to ensure betterment for all. I have seen some students here in the placement season who applied to every Tom, Dick and Harry company that came on campus, just for the sake of getting some senseless relief in what they call 'backup' or 'security'. What they fail to realise is that such decisions on their part can adversely affect the careers and dreams of many others, who may not be as privileged as themselves. Only with strong people awareness and mutual co operation and understanding, do I feel that we can make the world a better place (by exploiting our true strengths and bringing out our true potentials). Only then can competition make sense.

P.S. As Bryan Adams says in one of my favourite songs -

Don't lose yourself,
Your courage soon will follow.
So be strong tonight,
Remember who you are.

A friendly advice - Never lose your self confidence, come what may. Remember who you are.

A fine balance : continued

Coming back to the question of good friends, let me now focus on the type that I mentioned looks upon friendship as merely a business deal.

These are the people who believe in the following formula:

Friendship = treats + running errands + occasional sms/mail/call

For the time being, let me call such people as 'personalities'.

The last term on the right hand side of the above equation is not mandatory, according to most people belonging to this category. Not keeping in touch is attributed to many other causes - namely, carelessness, low balance on cellphone, too stretched for time to send a 2 line email etc. That they may not be interested in actually pursuing an active friendship is never mentioned. Running errands forms a major part of this pseudo friendship though. If you fail to help out such personalities, they follow up with the usual senti - can't you do this for a friend? and so on. Treats form a mandatory part of such a friendship - as though it is the foundation for the very existence of this relation.

What would you call such a friendship? I call this 'putting up with people who think they are your friends'.

A fine balance

I am sure you, like me, have been taking your family for granted all these years. I realised this a few days back, when the CAT results were announced. I was competing with my sister for a seat in one of the 6 IIMs for pursuing a management degree. This too, when I knew beforehand that I can easily nail the CAT whereas for her, it was not going to be a cakewalk. This, when I already knew that I will, under no circumstances, accept an admission offer, whereas for her, something like this would be living her dream. No wonder then that now that I have belled the CAT and she just missed out, I feel guilty as hell.

I have been thinking ever since if I was right in knowingly competing with her, whether this competition was justified. Competing with one's own makes no sense now, does it? There is no such thing as friendly competition, if you ask me. I find that to be as ridiculous as wars fought to uphold peace. Isn't a family supposed to be a tightly knit unit, linked together by blood ties, and sticking together come what may? But I can't help it now, can I? There are no provisions in our society for brothers and sisters competing together as a pair.

What about friends then? Are we justified in competing with our friends? There were also plenty of my friends who couldn't make it happen in the CAT this year. I feel bad for them too. But then, I was always aware that such a day will surely come. It wasn't unlikely according to me. Should I feel guilty about competing with them as well? Are they like family to me? Life in IIT teaches you that teamwork is the most important thing in your life. Companionship is the most essential element in any endeavour. Why this farce focus on individual excellence then? Let me hold on to that thought for another post. Here, I shall focus on the fine balance in my life between my family and my friends.

Who exactly are friends? My four years at IIT have brought out the difference between friends and mere acquaintances as never before. I have met people who are good to hang around with, but who suck at sharing my experience of this life, as a friend should. I have met people, for whom friendship translated to a 'business deal' - a mere give and take and 'i scratch your back, you scratch mine' relationship. I have come across those, who look upon friends as mere objects to vent their anger and frustration, who take delight in arguing with me, who I feel take pleasure in opposing all my points of view, and when I complain, those who claim that such behaviour is common between the best of friends, and that I am over reacting to all this and so on. And then I have met some wonderful people, who have gone on to become good, and some the best of my friends.

However close my friends be to me though, they shall never take the place in my life, that spot in my heart, which is reserved for my family. These are people who have loved me, endured me, accepted me for all my life. They never complained about my shortcomings, nor did they exploit my merits. They have truly respected and loved me as a person, as what I truly am. Although they have at times complained and hinted that certain aspects of my person are unacceptable to them, and that I should try and reconcile accordingly, they have never shown disapproval whenever I didn't comply. Sad though it may seem, none of the other people I have met in my life have been so understanding, not even the best of my friends. I have never met a single other person in my whole life, who even comes close.

For the last few days, I have been getting this feeling that perhaps it is something that I lack, that prevents me from making really good friends. I have never had best friends lasting for more than a couple of years, at best. Over time, it seems everyone that I meet fails to meet my expectations for whom I can call my best pal - perhaps my expectations may be too high, or perhaps I am yet to meet the right people. Till then, it remains up to me to maintain this fine balance in my life - this balance between family and friends.

Replies

I was really fortunate to have done an internship at Cornell University this summer. Very often though, I wonder how it would have been had I not bagged any offer from any university. I believe I would be really pissed off and I would have surely replied to some professor in this manner:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your reply. After going through your email, I regret to inform you that I cannot accept your rejection.

My projects and courses keep me quite busy now-a-days and I receive hundreds of emails from lots of professors each day; as such, I am unable to accept all rejections. After going through your group's research work cited on your website and the reputation of your university, I am sorry at being compelled to reject your rejection.

As such, I hereby assume the position of a summer intern in your lab for the coming summers (May-July '07). Please let me know about the stipend that you can offer me asap so that we can go ahead with the paperwork at the earliest.

Thanks and regards,
Yours sincerely.

Now let's talk about my B.Tech project (BTP). Had my professor not shown interest in my work, I would have surely written him the following mail:

Dear Sir,

This is to inquire about the status of my B.Tech project. I have noticed that you haven't been showing much interest in my work for the past few weeks and you have become very irregular in scheduling meetings to discuss the same. I have to warn you that if this state of affairs continues, then I may be forced to lodge a complaint with the HOD on charges of academic negligence.

Take care,
Yours sincerely.

P.S. Please meet me at the earliest after you read this email.

Finally, the best of them all: (got it from some site... can't remember which; had it saved as a text doc)

To: All employees

From: Management
RE: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under information guidelines. Effective Feb. 1, 1995, a Restroom TripPolicy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given aRestroom Trip Credit of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before January 31, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to Management. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not connected to restrooms until the end of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations during that period.

If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, any restroom stalls that are occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall still remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the wall in the main office. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the restrooms. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated.

If you have any questions about the RTP, please ask your supervisor.

Adventures of Sam

I have been away from blogging for a long while now, thanks to more pressing matters in my life. But now that I have become busy with my routine at IIT, I finally find myself left with enough time to spare for my blog. It's this thing with being kept busy that amuses me; I always feel that I have lots of free time to kill then. Give me nothing to do and I become preoccupied with boredom.

Most of you may know Sam from a previous post. Sam is our typical personality who has the not so uncommon knack of making me laugh with his quotidian colloquialism. The other day he told me that he was tired of wasting time in bathing. I asked him what other options did he have, to which he happily told me he would dry clean himself. He has these clear cut solutions to simple issues in life that intrigue him as hell. If you want to see the height of stupidity, you just have to ask Sam how tall he is. Sam tells me he wants to become a doctor, so that he can help humankind. I feel that he is helping more humans than he can ever do by becoming a doctor the way he is now; at least no lives are endangered due to his stupidity. He once stumbled upon a fortune cookie that said "Seek your fortune in another cookie". And he did.

Sam I believe, was born only with a single brain cell, that has now been reduced to half following repeated usage over all these years. He was trying a guitar in the store the other day.

Sam: Hey it's been so long since I played a guitar.
Me: Sam dear, you have never played a guitar.
Sam: Exactly.
(Plays around with it for a while. Then, )
Sam: Hey how do you play this chord again? I forgot.
Me: I thought you don't know how to play the guitar.
Sam: Ah! That's why I keep forgetting.

Yesterday he came to me holding a cool Federer-autographed tennis ball in his hand, and asked me

Sam: Ain't this cool?
Me: Good, but whose is it?
Sam: It was lost. I found it.
Me: How do you know?
Sam: Well, the kid next door is still looking around for it.

Sam owns a car that he says has never had a wreck since 5 years. I don't want to disappoint him by telling him the truth - that he owned a wreck and has never had a car. Sam is also quite good at a dance called the elevator; he avoids the steps. Lately, he feels that everyone has been ignoring him due to his stupidity. So he went to see a counselor.

Sam: Everyone ignores me. What should I do?
Counselor: Next please!

Ha ha.

Karate

My only encounter with this martial art was way back when I was in second grade, and it lasted just three months. As far as I can remember, I quit before I got a belt (That's right; I quit). But I did learn a bit of Karate while I was at it back then. I learnt how to punch and how to kick. Well, that isn't much to speak of, but at least I can say this when I see anyone fighting - 'Hey, I know that! I had paid to learn that!'

I don't get the thing with Karate. Most of my friends who are black belts in Karate tell me that it is more an art to them than a fighting technique. Well, I wonder whatever happened to dancing, singing, painting that we now have to visualize fights as art too. People who have never done Karate in their life tell me it is necessary for self defense. I fail to appreciate this. I don't expect to have the House-of-flying-daggers type killers trying to kill me for which I may have to learn Karate to put up an impressive fight, pun intended. The most likely ways in which ordinary folks like you and me can be killed are by accident. Now don't tell me you are going to kick the heck out of a car when it's about to hit you. Others tell me that it is a way of maintaining your body, balance and improving concentration and focus. Whatever happened to less violent methods like gymming and dancing?

What bugs me most is to see old people practising martial arts after retirement. Taekwondo, Karate and the like. I have a theory here. I believe the old people are short of money after their retirement. And they plan to attack us able bodied fellows one fine day and run away with our money. Quite obviously the senior citizens are waiting their time patiently to stuff our money in their bags and make a dash. And I pity most of you who are wasting their time working hard to earn money while the uncles and aunties are silently preparing for the war. And I pity myself more for knowing this, but still not getting the hang of Karate. I wonder which group is Sam in.

It isn't long before the people who are learning Karate instead of working hard to live good lives will attack us and run away with our money. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Staying ahead of idiots

Frankly speaking, there are two types of people in this world - smart people like us, and tens of billions of idiots who get in our way often. Idiots are difficult to handle, especially those who consider themselves to be smart like us. For now, let's stick to calling their stupidity as 'personality'. This has its own good reasons. For one, you can get away with an idiot easily without provoking him.

Me: That's quite a personality that you have Sam.
Sam: Thanks man.

If you are not yet surrounded by idiots, you soon will. They are everywhere, taking over mankind without the slightest hint of such an invasion. If the above mentioned way to tackle them fails to keep them away, I can suggest you three options to deal with them:

1. Kill them.
2. Accept them as they are and respect them for the way they are.
3. Use them.

Option 1 is not a realistic prospect, considering that killing one idiot will provoke hundred others. Option 2 again is absurd, simply because that guy is an idiot and you aren't. Option 3 looks the best if you ask me. Use idiots for your own gain. That is what they are born for. It's like this cow from the restaurant at the end of the universe in the 'Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' - it says it's made to be eaten. Same goes with our personalities; their very nature begs us to use them. To do this though, you have to predict the behaviour of these idiots, which is difficult, considering the fact that an average idiot cannot predict his own behaviour. For one, you can try hurting the idiots' ego into working for you.

Sam: Hey you were supposed to complete this project long back. Are you ever going to get done with this?
Me: Look I am trying ok.
Sam: I have to face troubles coz of you, you know.
Me: That is quite unbecoming of your personality Sam.
Sam: (pause) I am sorry man. I don't know what came over me. Don't you worry, I'll do it myself.

Most idiots are also god fearing. You can exploit that weakness too to harness it for your own good.

Me: Sam, where are you off to?
Sam: To do your girlfriend. She invited me over.
Me: You can't do that Sam.
Sam: Says who?
Me: Says God. You will burn in hell if you do that.
Sam: Oh thanks man. I never knew. Now that was close. Hey, what if I kill you first?
Me: (pause) Sorry, that isn't any good either.
Sam: Shit.

The most irritating idiots aren't the ones you meet in person. They are the ones who call you on your phone and hold you up from doing your important work for hours talking non sense. If you hang up, their ego is hurt and they may get provoked, which is not what you want. It is best to use an answering machine on your phone with a recorded message that goes like this:

Idiot answering machine: Hello. Before speaking to Tallur, please let me know if this phone call is going to benefit him in any way whatsoever.
Sam: Uh.. umm... yes, I guess so.
Idiot answering machine: Lying son of a gun! (click)

The phone can also be used to insult idiots without provoking them. Go into a room with a cellphone held up to your ear.

Me: You are the most stupid duffer I have ever known.
Sam: Excuse me, what was that? (angry)
Me: Sshhh... I am on the phone. Can't you see?
Sam: Oh, sorry.

Well, I believe I have told you some things that you need to know about idiots. Let me tell you this: you can identify an idiot by the symptoms of stupidity. Watch out for these and you will be easily able to predict whether the person you are thinking about is an idiot or not. Some of them are quite easy to notice:

• Idiots like growing ear hair.
• Idiots will vote a cucumber for President, saying that it was time for a change.
• Idiots will make stupid decisions and call them investments.

No matter how much you try to change idiots, always realise that you can never strip them off their stupidity and selfishness. You may be wondering why I am letting out my secrets about idiots, won't some idiots be provoked by this. Well, I don't care. No matter how much you try, I shall always be two steps ahead of you.

Outsourcing

I remember when I was a kid, my mother always told me to beware of strangers. Somehow I developed this strange notion of strangers being bad men with nice chocolates. Now that I have grown up though, I seem to notice that most helpful and generous people are strangers, as I see here in Cornell. In fact, I believe I am yet to meet the most insightful and helpful people in my life, as they are all strangers for me now. Pun intended.

It isn't a surprise at all therefore, that most companies across the world have also realised the importance of strangers and are relying upon them for a major chunk of their work. Besides, strangers always seem to have our best interests in their mind, unlike our own people, who surprisingly, sometimes do care for our good. Companies don't always have to look out for the best quality of work output when it comes to outsourcing. Any low paid employee in India who will be more than glad to accept a sandwich as a reward is sufficient for the job. The fact that we chaps come out to be talented and speak good English is an added bonus. For other countries where people might be talented but suckers at English, the employer can always learn swear words in the native language and make threatening phone calls late at night to scare them to extract better work at lower pays.

Scott Adams goes a step further in suggesting the USA should outsource its governing work to India for its own good. I shall not be surprised if this happens soon in the near future. Italy has already outsourced its government to India. You may pull out an argument by saying, "But hey, Italy practically has no government at all; the crime rates and all are so high - it isn't a stable government that is in power there." And I would say, "Exactly."

Considering the rate at which outsourcing to India is increasing, I don't think the day is far where India shall be doing the entire work in the world, and other countries will be either fishing or lying on the armchair in their front porch. What this means is that I am both benefiting and losing out by deciding to settle in India for the rest of my life. Of course, since I do most of the work of the world, I will be paid a obscenely high salary. But if things go wrong, the whole world would know who to put the blame upon. But there are other advantages too. When I am in the mood, I can always call in ill and skip work for the day. The consequence of this could be a massive global depression, as I shall be a major part of the workforce throughout the world. Won't that be fun?

I am a worm, hear me roar

Boyhood - they say you should be done away with this at an early age, or it causes a catastrophe if it surfaces when you grow up. At times, adult life can seem a bit difficult, especially when you pass through such childish phases along the way, much like a worm (caterpillar, say) who leaves the cocoon and spreads out its wings. You leave your own little universe and enter a very complex system, where things aren't being started from scratch, but an art whose elements play well defined roles to create the bigger picture. Most often such ambitious new entrants into the system fill in cracks and niches in the same - ending up doing something believing they and the role were meant for each other.

I don't quite know what I am - a worm or a fly; maybe I am one wing out of my cocoon yet, alternating between re-entering the cocoon and trying to spread my wings out of it and explore all those things that I can never find inside there. We live in a world where we look upon change in the same way Houdini would have looked upon at his padlocked boxes - first try to wiggle free from it, and surrender only if you cannot escape. I believe we all share a strength - of taking control of our own story than succumbing to one scripted by others. I take it from whatever little I have seen of life so far, that each one of us realises this strength in our own capacity and benefits from the same accordingly; to each his own success.

Brainstorming, debates, chitchatting, talks, sermons, advice - how many ways do we seek to reconcile our past, our life with what we aim to be, with what we should be. We seek information and review our life in the light of the same and ever more try to improve upon it. But all this that we do, everything we think of, isn't this all biased? Don't we all inherit biases when we interact with new acquaintances? No matter how original one may think one is, the very fact that you are thinking so might be inherited after all. Being original isn't about doing something out of the way - I say it is more about defying what others think you are. The introvert person may become more outgoing, the screw up would become more careful, the fickle minded may learn focus. Isn't this what self definition is all about? - making your own story? A willful and a well-informed way of living that has its roots in our past, is nourished by out present, and seeks to reach out to the bright sun of future?

Maybe I have come far enough where I know what I am doing and the world should appreciate what I do. I am here to shake off the chains of whatever labels the world may have assigned me -I don't want to be identified as Mr. Achieve-all, or Mr. Studious or Mr. Dreamer and the like - maybe I want to leave these behind me yet never forget them. Maybe I do not need to follow the path that thousands of souls have been following all along; maybe I am made for something big, something never thought of before, something of my own. I may be a worm, but hear me roar.