Friday, June 10, 2011

Dear dad

Dear dad,

I hope you'll be able to read this, wherever you are. You'll be glad to hear that we all are doing well here. Well, that's not exactly true. Rohan was down with pneumonia last week. We had to admit him to a hospital here. Thanks to God's grace, he is stable and getting better now.

However, there is something that happened then that has motivated me to write to you now. The day he was admitted, his condition was very bad. That night, I was standing outside his room, watching through the window. The doctor had advised us not to disturb him. I couldn't stand to see my son in such pain. Such a beautiful little life does not deserve to go through such a horrible experience. I stood there feeling helpless - I felt being his dad I ought to be doing more for him. But I felt very helpless. I don't know why.

This thought took me back to the day I had met with that accident. I don't really remember when it was; I think it was the day I passed my seventh grade exams. But I still remember the sight of the truck approaching me vividly. The next thing I remember seeing when I came to, was you looking through the window the exact same way as I was that night. And I saw tears in your eyes. I couldn't understand why you were crying. I always thought of you as a very strong man. I looked up to you, I always wanted to be like you. But those tears... they didn't seem right. You felt.... weak.

I was very upset with myself that night. I felt I did not deserve such a weak father. Someone who instead of doing something for me would just stand there crying. I felt angry. Very angry.

But last week, I suddenly realized how wrong I was. You weren't weak. You cried because you loved me. I now realize truly how very bad you must have felt that night. I mistook your tears of affection as weakness. I vowed to myself that night that I would never cry again in my life. I told myself I am strong. I'll be strong. But when I was feeling as helpless for Rohan last week, I felt weak. I felt helpless. There wasn't anything I could do for him. But I didn't cry. I tried to be strong for him. But I don't think it was because I am strong. I am starting to doubt my strength now. I think it was because I am incapable of showing any such emotions. I think the years of anger I had harbored in my heart have rendered me thus.

I would give anything to be half as good a man as you were dad. I hope, and pray, that some day I would have improved. And made you proud.